To Cry or Not to Cry - That is the Question

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. Ecc 3:4 (ESV)

Recently, there was conversation between my oldest son, 20, and a friend of his about why my husband and I discipline our children in a specific way. I got to thinking, and I believe that there are others who may have wondered the same thing - but without asking us directly about it.  Thoughts about that conversation have been milling about in my head for a few days, and I was wishing that I could share what our reasons are. Until I remembered - I have a blog! I can share my thoughts with the few souls still patient enough to be reading what I have to say. 

Zach’s friend was expressing concern over the fact that Doug and I sometimes tell our children to stop crying.  (((GASP))) Now, please don’t stop reading and toss me out as a tyrant parent from the stone ages.  Let me assure you, it’s not as bad as it may sound.  In fact, how about I give you a scenario in which this might occur?

A four year old little girl has stubbed her toe on the sidewalk and fallen down, scraping her knee.  She runs inside to Mommy, screaming in pain. Mommy lovingly picks her up, pressing her daughter’s head against her shoulder.  They stay like that for a moment, gently swaying while the little girl’s sobs slow down and eventually pause.  After Mommy questions her about what happened, the little girl is able to relate the incident - even correcting her brother who has chimed in to tell the tale.  During this time, the little girl is in complete control of herself and seems completely recovered from the fall. Then, she remembers that she is hurt and starts to cry again, almost as loud as at first. However, this time, she is unable to be comforted by Mommy’s shoulder. 

Here’s where my husband and I get in trouble.  We look at our children at this stage and gently, but firmly, tell them that it’s time to stop crying.  For the younger ones, we hold up fingers like candles on a birthday cake and tell them to blow, one finger for every year.  This may have to be repeated a couple of times.  However, before long, that child is sitting perfectly calm and restored.  It doesn’t take long after that for them to hop down and run back outside. 

Why do we do this?  Well, there are several reasons. First, we believe self control is a virtue, and it is something that must be taught early.  If you insist that a child wait until they are older before they control themselves, it may never happen.  It doesn't get easier as you get older. We firmly believe that it is something best taught at an early age. Teaching self-control is part of the “training” in “Train up a child in the way he should go…” From the lady at the bank who yelled at her computer five times while assisting me, to the teenager that jumped up from a card game with friends whining that she had been “triggered” and had to go, I am sure that we’ve all seen examples of people who were never taught self-control by their parents. There are young people who are terrified of the dentist because Mommy or Daddy never required that they conquer their fear - they always were put ‘under’ for fillings. There are 13 year olds who won’t hold still at the doctor in order to get their shots.  Throwing things, stomping angrily out of rooms, quitting jobs when the boss yells at them, these have become commonplace among 20 and 30 year olds.  The world is full of people who weren’t taught self control.  It starts with the small things - like not crying for the wrong reasons.

Secondly, we are protecting our child from sinning in this scenario.  When a child is crying - after the incident - how often is it from genuine pain and how often is it from self-pity, anger, to get attention, or some other self-centered motive?  I would argue that (short of serious injury) it is almost always a self-centered motive.  To allow a child to wallow in self-pity is permitting, and even encouraging, sin.

Thirdly, I need to be able to tell if my child is genuinely in pain or just whining.  If a generally self-controlled child can’t stop crying, something is probably wrong and it should be checked out.  On the other hand, a child who is used to crying excessively can have a broken arm and no one will know until hours later and maybe even the next day.  

Lastly, we want our children to be happy and enjoy life.  Why would I want my sweet little four year old to sit and cry for fifteen minutes to a half an hour unnecessarily? If I can help alleviate her misery (and the misery all those around her), I will.  If a little encouragement toward self-control is all it takes, I will certainly do that.

The scenario I gave of the little girl is a gentle scene.  There has been no wrong-doing, either on the side of the little girl or anyone else.  What about the same scenario, except the little girl didn’t trip - she was pushed by her brother? When she comes to Mommy crying, she isn’t just hurt, she’s mad. After crying the initial tears away, she angrily points her finger and yells over her brother (who is desperately trying to tell his side of the story), telling about how she has been wronged.  Of course, Mommy has Brother apologize (and if necessary promises discipline) and says for Sister to forgive.  Sister may or may not say the words, but either way she feels like there has been an injustice and she is still angry.  She tries to snuggle back against Mommy’s shoulder shedding bitter tears.  

What should Mommy do?  I say she needs to gently but firmly admonish her daughter to stop crying and stop being angry. And if the little girl is unwilling, she needs to be disciplined.  Mommy is teaching what forgiveness looks like. If Mommy, instead, coddles her daughter and holds her, smoothing her hair and whispering sweetly into her ear, she is teaching her daughter that it’s ok to hold onto unforgiveness and anger.

Just so you know that we really aren’t monsters, I will offer one more scenario.  That little girl has grown up into a teenager.  She has become infatuated with a young man.  She has been hoping that this young man will dance with her at the church’s square dance.  However, on the night of the dance, he only has eyes for another girl and ignores the girl.  When she gets home, she rushes to her room and cries into her pillow.  

What now?  I say let her cry.  She needs a good cry in order to grieve the hurt she feels.  It usually works itself out and she comes downstairs red, puffy, and feeling a bit better.  Now, if the grieving turns into self-pity and anger toward the young man (or the other girl), the daughter needs to be admonished to forgive just as Christ forgave her, but crying simply out of pain is natural and shouldn’t be discouraged or stopped.

The same holds true when grieving the loss of a pet or - even more serious - a grandparent or other relative.  Of course we allow our children to cry out their griefs - as long and as often as the sadness lasts.  But we also teach them how to share their griefs with others and, most importantly, with their Savior, so that they don’t turn inward into despair and desperation.  As the Scripture above says, there is “a time to weep.” In the same line, we allow our children to see us cry when sad things happen in life.  They need to see examples of healthy grief.

So (((raises hand))), I do tell my children to stop crying.  But not all crying.  Doug and I allow crying for pain - whether physical or emotional, but not for anger or self-pity.  Of course, we may get flack for this in an age where children are generally completely unrestrained, but I will happily go against the flow on this one.  

Now, stop your sniveling and get back to work!!!